Do you know how to pray for someone? Should we be praying for each other? Do our prayers matter? Why do our prayers so often go “unanswered”? Is there a way to make our prayers more effective?
What if the answers to these pressing questions are much simpler than we realize.
Should we pray for each other?
Obviously, we should be praying for each other. The gospels explicitly say as much.
“I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.” – 1 Timothy 2:1-2
Where we get into the weeds is in understanding what “praying for each other” means.
What not to pray for…
All too often we pray for someone that they will get whatever we want them to have, whether it be a cure for cancer or the lottery. We pray for people to change and for life not to hurt so bad… but what if all these things, while not bad (necessarily), are really asking God over and over to do our will.
Is there something wrong with this picture?
Well, not necessarily obviously, but, it is certainly not a great way to cultivate a strong relationship. God isn’t our own personal magician… and He loves being asked for endless “favors” devoid of relationship about as much as the guy on your street who finally got a pickup truck.
A good rule of thumb is to stop asking God for what we want and instead ask God to give us the strength to handle what He wants.
Not my will but thine be done – Luke 22:42
Does God “not care” about what we want?
Is He unfeeling? Unloving? Not at all! Considering that His will is merely to draw us nearer to Himself. If He is the source of our peace and fulfillment, then coming closer to Him is what will make us happiest anyway. Sometimes He needs to allow us to feel our need for Him so that we run to Him. He needs us to suffer so that we come to hate that which causes suffering and seek that which is good… namely Himself. For God alone is good (Mark 10:18). He needs the world to let us down so that we no longer seek the world but Him. He needs us to voluntarily give up that which gives us pleasure, that which we would ordinarily run to, so that we can fill that emptiness with Him. What if God wants us to seek HIM rather than healing? What if God’s design is to strip us of our earthly happiness just so that we long more keenly for heaven?
What good does it do us then to pray for earthly satisfaction, for what we want here and now, if getting what we want would only distract us from Him?
I know. It almost sounds as if God wills suffering, but no. God wills closeness, and suffering facilitates closeness. Therefore, God permits it. Suffering facilitates growth.
The pursuit of God is all in our heart and in our will. When we desire God, we pursue Him. If we were perfectly happy (satisfied) already, we would never desire God. If our desire is for earthly happiness then why should He grant it? If it would be contrary to His plan for us, it would not help us get to Him. On the other hand, if a miracle would truly point us to Him and change our lives toward Him more deeply, then He will always grant the request. It completely depends on where our heart is.
Therefore, we MUST ask ourselves the question: Do we desire God, or just magic?
You only follow me because you ate the food I gave you… – John 6:26
So, what should we be praying for? What prayers will always be answered?
We should pray for clarity, courage, and strength to do what HE desires (which is only for us to come closer to Him (see Starter Guide and John 12:32 – “if I be lifted up, I will raise all men unto myself”). We should ask for a greater desire for intimacy and greater appreciation of the opportunities we are given to grow closer to God and that we will take greater of advantage of them. We should ask how we can help others come to Him and what He desires of us. We ask for wisdom and knowledge and a greater recognition of the opportunities for intimacy which confront us every day. We ask for a deeper desire for God and a change of heart… both for ourselves and for those we love.
This is also how we can love our enemies and pray for them (Matthew 5:44).
The petitions we ask for ourselves we also ask for them, recognizing that what we ask will require a change of heart, even for the one we may call enemy. We do not have to desire that we become friends with our enemy, but rather that our enemy be brought to the knowledge and love of God. This is particularly evident in the case of Paul. The Christians did not have to pray that they would have fluffy, touchy-feely, lovey-dovey feelings toward Saul of Tarsus despite His cruelty toward them. No, they prayed instead that he be converted. And, to do this he had to undergo some serious metaphorical hot coals (Romans 12:20). Not so bad, eh? 😉 Learning this can make it a thousand times easier to love and pray for those whom we find the most difficult to like.
Should I really pray for people?
The prayers of the righteous availeth much – James 5:16
But, how really righteous are we?
Aren’t we more like the publican in the back of the temple (Luke 18:9-14) Or, like the angry mob in John 8:7, “Let he who has no sin cast the first stone”?
#1 – We must Pray in Humility
He hath scattered the proud in the conceit of their heart. / He hath put down the mighty from their seat, and hath exalted the humble. – Luke 1:51-52
All I know is that my prayers basically availeth nothing. I am not righteous, nor am I anyone special for God to listen to. Therefore, I ask instead first those whose prayers I know “availeth much” (such as, Mary and the Saints), who are actually righteous for their intercession, and then I pray only that I may be made righteous. I desire righteousness, I pursue it, with my mind, my heart, my energy, and my time. I pray only that I be made worthy to stand before the throne of God and one day petition His benediction. Meanwhile, all I know is that I am not certain to have His will/plan in the forefront of my mind, but most often my own. All too often, I care nothing for His kingdom, only my own, nothing for true joy but rather fleeting earthly consolation.
If I pray instead to be made righteous and refer all other petitions to the ones who have earned the right to stand before Him. Maybe one day I may join the ranks of those to whom He can eventually say, “Well done good and faithful servant, since you have been faithful in small matters you will also be faithful in great.” At that point I may earn the privilege to petition God for favors. For then I will have learned the value of a favor and the purpose for which they exist.
#2 – We must be willing to offer ourselves in their stead
In other words, we must be willing to preform some good (but potentially challenging) act that we can use to show the earnestness of our prayer. We are called to “Bear one another’s burdens, out of reverence for Christ” (Galatians 6:2). If we pray in earnest, for example, for a friend to be more capable of handling their burden, we often find that in our prayer we take some weight of their burden upon ourselves. There is a cost of course to doing this, but, but should that matter? This is what love means, what it looks like! This is the whole goal. If Christ gave His entire life for me, surely I can imitate Him in some way and accept to bear a tiny portion of the cross of another when they can no longer bear it alone. This is my opportunity. I am Simon!
#3 – Offer prayers of reparation instead…
If we are praying instead in an attempt to help someone else change negative behaviors, we must first recognize that we cannot (and should not try to) control other people, and that in all reality we are in no place to call out the “speck in their eye” until we first deal with the beam in our own (Matthew 7:3-5). This does not mean that we cannot pray for them, but rather that we should not use our “prayer” to guilt trip or condemn others, or secretly gloat over their failings. Such prayer can never be answered because it isn’t really prayer at all, but rather a form of judgmental self-aggrandizement. Our prayer should always be, first and foremost, in total surrender to the perfect will of Heaven, and in true brotherly love and concern for the spiritual well being of our neighbor, regardless of the affect upon ourselves. Oftentimes, the best way to do this is offer prayers of reparation instead.
Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do – Luke 23:34
When we recognize habits of sin in others, we must first look to ourselves and ask ourselves how we can console the hurting heart of Christ for the pain He must be enduring due to such behaviors. We needn’t declare our prayers to the party in concern either. We simply entrust them to the Divine Mercy and endeavor to make up in some small way for the offences we witness. (This article has more on understanding reparation and how to do it.)
This is not to say that we can never pray for people to change. Sometimes this is indeed necessary. However, we must first ensure to meticulously remove all traces of self interest from our prayer intentions, and identify precisely which behaviors need to be entrusted to the Divine (recognize your incapacity to do anything about them on your own) and then present those struggles as a sort of surrender to the Lord. Stop trying to fix them. Don’t “help”. You worry about doing what you are supposed to be doing and love the other person regardless, and let God do the transforming.
#4 – Pray with Confidence
Our God is all powerful. His is merciful. He is Good. He does not ignore prayer when we have learned to pray. He cares for our good and He literally died for us to have the opportunity to enter His heart and Him to enter ours. If we truly love our neighbor, we will pray with our whole heart and soul, with our body, our time, and our actions, not merely our words, never counting the costs, that they will grow ever more united with Him no matter their circumstances, and all will be well.
Pray, hope, and don’t worry – Padre Pio
