I saw a post called “Is self-care selfish?” the other day. Of course, the conclusion was “Absolutely not. You have to take care of yourself to take care of everyone else. You deserve this. You can’t pour from an empty cup. etc” and I agree with this statement, but it’s not that simple.

To truly answer this question we have to ask, what really qualifies as self-care? Have you ever considered the fact that true self-care might be something you don’t necessarily enjoy doing?

It is worth it to distinguish between healthy self-care and other pastimes we enjoy that we like to classify as self-care in order to justify doing them. These are the pastimes that make us ask the question “Is self-care selfish?” in the first place. Obviously, someone’s conscience is pricked, or the question wouldn’t even be out there.

Find out if your self-care routine is selfish – 10 Questions

I know you want to be patted on the back, to be told you deserve everything you do for yourself. And you probably do, for the most part. But all of us (myself incuded) like to take a mile when we are given an inch, and we can start to get a little “entitled” to our little luxuries. That’s where selfishness can creep into our routines. The problem is, that because self-care is inherently good, it becomes difficult to recognize when it has taken a turn for the worse.

Ask yourself these 10 questions to try to get back on the right track.

1) Is it necessary, or is it vain?

I genuinely enjoy a really nice hot shower after a workout. I love feeling the water pounding on my back as I scrub my face free of all the oils that have accumulated there over the day. I buy good shampoo that nourishes my hair. I use lotion and deodorant, and even shave. A personal grooming routine is important. It shows self respect and gratitude to care for the body you have been given…

But, there is a point when it can go beyond that.

For example, when we obsess about buying every possible face cream to get rid of that one wrinkle. When you think you can’t leave the house without “putting your face on” (Hello too much makeup!). When you think you have to own every possible color of lipstick or wear fake nails. If your worth is found in whether or not you plucked your eyebrows or have a scratch in your polish, it might be time to question your priorities. Think of all the time and money we spend coloring and and styling our hair. Depending on the person or situation, it could even be crossing the line to spend excessive amounts of time curling your hair (if it is straight, for example) or straightening it, if it is curly.

But where is the line? Only you can decide this, but you have to be realistic. Make sure you are always asking yourself why you make the choices you do.

Why do we do all this?? Is it because we don’t appreciate the way God made us and we think we need to fix something? Or, because this is a genuinely fulfilling practice in my life (ie. maybe nail painting parties or trips to the salon are actually also an important time for bonding with my daughter, mother, sister, or a good friend – which is the real reason why they hold value for us)?

2) Is it laziness? Are you procrastinating or avoiding something?

Are you choosing to use your time in a way that is befitting your current calling?

Examples:

If you are a parent, do you stay up all night doing “grown up” stuff to “recharge”, but do those activities make you too tired to wake up or be truly present to your children when you ARE with them?
Do you ever drink so much that you are hungover?
Do you choose sleeping in over spending quality time with your family when you are home? (Unless sleeping IS quality time with your spouse?)
Do you take forever to make your coffee or take your shower in the morning so that you can avoid dealing with your kids a little longer?
How about at work? Do you dawdle around on your breaks, or on your email so that you can avoid doing what actually needs to be done?
What about health or fitness… Do you think you need to buy all kinds of fancy spandex undergarments to “take care of yourself”, when the real solution would be to treat yourself right by taking on some physical activity and watching what you eat more closely?

Conversely, please don’t avoid going to the dentist or getting checked for cancer, because you want to make the now convenient excuse that “self-care is probably selfish”.

3) Does it truly fill you or does it just leave you wanting more?

Sometimes self-care can be like a giant bowl of nutritionless comfort food. We gobble up the entire thing because it tastes good. But, we come away hungry, because there was nothing in it that truly nourished us…. not to mention, we feel guilty because we “blew our diet again”.

Once, I went on a trip to get out of the house for a few days. It was nice while it lasted, but, the moment I walked back through that door, I became more bitter than I was before I left, because nothing had changed, AND nothing got done while I was gone. I just wanted to run away again. (But, I got a blog post out of it – lol – Read here)

All those shows on Netflix are designed to leave me wanting more… They hype everything up and drag everything out, and in the end, they just leave you empty. Nothing in your life has changed or improved. Nothing is better, you’ve just lost time.

How does your self-care routine leave you?

4) Do I feel like I need to make excuses to justify what I’m doing?

If you think you need to make a concerted effort to justify what I am doing, it is most likely a sign that something is very wrong.

This could be the reason you wonder if your self-care is selfish.

If you feel like it might be, maybe it is…?

5) Is it trying to fill a hole in my life that should be filled by God?

Am I doing it because I feel lonely or sad, angry or overwhelmed?

If I am doing something to soothe a soul ache it is never going to work, for those aches can only be healed by God, never Doritos.

6) Does it cause problems in my family, work or home life?

Does my book club, mom’s group, salon visits, wine or shopping habit, or regular spa days cause tension or frequent arguments in my marriage or visibly affect my children in any negative way (including making them feel like such behavior is good or necessary)?

Am I spending the grocery budget on my “self-care” routine?

7) Does it encourage self pity?

For me that bottle of wine can definitely be an opportunity to really revel in a juicy pity party. Same with a girl’s night where we all complain about how hard our lives are, how frustrating our kids are, and how difficult our marriage is. Even taking advantage of those first few moments when my spouse walks through the door to vent about how horrible the day was can be as life sucking as it is unproductive.

7) Is now really the right season?

Maybe book clubs are really your thing. You’ve always loved reading, and you love getting away… Except all those hours you spend engrossed in your books are beginning to interfere with your family life, or cause arguments between spouses. Maybe there’s nothing inherently wrong with book club, but maybe your season for book clubs will be once your kids are in school, or out of school, or moved out, or whatever your case may be.

8) Does it take priority over my prayer life?

Do I ever think to myself:

“I don’t have time to go to church, I gotta get my run in”

I haven’t prayed all week/all month/all year but at least I’m getting better about buying fancy health food.

If I haven’t had my coffee or put on my makeup, I can’t even think about praying.

Hint: Prayer is the most important self-care!

9) Is it overboard?

Self-care is wonderful until we take it to an extreme. It is good until it becomes an addiction.

For example, it is good to buy healthy food and watch your nutrition, but as soon as you are spending your mortgage on organic bananas and toilet paper when you are barely scraping by, might be going to an extreme.

Please go to the doctor when you are genuinely sick, but going every time your finger hurts, or just to get out of going to work is too much.

Yes, sleep when you are sick, but don’t spend an extra day in bed just to get waited on.

Yes, it is good to work out or to go for a run, but is it really necessary to spend 3 hours per day training for a marathon (or even working out 7 days a week) when you have 3 toddlers?

Etc, etc, etc…

10 Signs that your self-care isn’t selfish

Here’s another way to look at it.

It is healthy.
It is necessary.
It is natural.
It is clean.
There is no controversy.
It is a result of treating yourself like a child of God
There is no reason to hide it.
It should fill you in a peaceful, simple way – leave you feeling refreshed and not guilty.
It fits your season.
It should or could involve God.