To the Soul Suffering from Marital Loneliness

You know you’ve experienced it… Marital loneliness…

…that ache of feeling unequally yoked? of missing the “friend” you used to have? Or, wondering what happened to the person you thought you married?

But, it’s not because they are gone that you miss them, but rather, and even most especially, when you are in the same room, and living under the same roof!

It’s not because you’ve fallen out of love but rather because you still love them so desperately much that you just miss terribly what you used to have. When did you run out of common interests and things to talk about? What happened to the spark that always used to be there?

Unequally Yoked?

Marriage is the most lonely when you feel it to be unequally yolked.

What does that even mean?

It means you feel you have to pull more weight than your spouse in any given area – doesn’t matter if it is housework, parenting, job responsibility, or spiritual leadership. Feeling like you do more than your spouse can be crippling.

But, marriage was designed to be even. We all know this at heart.

So, it’s not the “yoke” that is the problem.

It’s either person holding back. It is making excuses why you should be able to not continue giving of yourself, even when more giving needs to be done.

All that breeds is resentment…

Marital Loneliness 101

Comparison breeds loneliness.

I do so much work and he never helps.

Why doesn’t she appreciate everything I do all day?

Selfishness breeds loneliness.

I want it my way.

I deserve to be treated like this.

Why doesn’t he notice me?

Why doesn’t she focus more on appreciating the fact that I just got home, or that work was stressful?

Expectations breed loneliness.

I thought he would notice this.

She should be grateful for this.

If I do this, he will respond like ____….

But then they don’t.

Life happens.

Spouses fall asleep mid conversation. We forget to do that favor for you – even when you asked a dozen times. We cannot make you happy. Cannot read minds. We recoil at the thought that your happiness rests on our shoulders.

We are all tired, hurting, struggling, and stressed. We are human.

Marriage is hard.

It is not for the faint of heart. LIFE is not for the faint of heart.

You are right to feel that you cannot go in like this any longer. You can’t.

“It is not good for man to be alone” – Genesis 2:18

Hello, Dearest Heart,

I see you. I feel your pain.

Know that you are not alone even though it feels like it.

Every single other married person has felt or feels this way too. This doesn’t mean that your marriage is bad or that you have somehow done something wrong.

It just means that you are putting too much stock in marriage to fill you.

You know you are longing for more, for better. Likely, you married this person so that you would not feel so alone any more, or because you “never felt alone” when you were with them, or because you never tired of their company… But, now they seem tired of yours? What gives? Did you make a mistake?

No, dearest heart,

Even in marriage it is important for us to feel alone, so desperately alone that it makes us feel a deep, yearning, ache that not even marriage can fill. Because we were made for God.

Everything in this life is just made in the image of God.

Marriage is a powerful, beautiful, incredible image of God, especially as the Trinity, but it is still just an image. It can never replace the real thing.

Every time we begin to lean more heavily on the images of God in this world than on God Himself, no matter how beautiful they are, we are setting ourselves up for heartache.

So, is marriage worth it?

Absolutely. You know this already.

But, Marriage is not about filling you up, it’s about pouring yourself out. Only God truly fills us up and gives us enough to pour out.

This is why it’s so important to marry a godly spouse, so that they can be constantly filled up by the same Source and have enough to constantly pour out into the relationship as well.